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Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Goat Cheese and Rice
There once was an old, old man. How old, exactly, one cannot be sure, and in fact the old man himself couldn't quite remember. He was fairly sure that he was either four-hundred-ninety-eight or four-hundred-ninety-nine. In any case, he'd decided not to celebrate "the big five-oh-oh" on his birthday next July, nor the one following.
Julia Skipram had a question for the old man on the hill. Making sure she'd packed the necessary offering, and lacing her comfortable boots for the trek, she pondered her phrasing.
The old man wasn't tired of goat cheese and rice. More precisely, he was tired of the idea of goat cheese and rice. For ninety years now, people had retained a notion that these were his favourite foods, and while this had become true enough, it still irked him to no longer have a taste for much else.
He was thinking all this as he watched the pretty blonde girl from the corner of his eye. She was finishing her trek up the hill, and when she arrived at last he sat upright in his hammock to greet her.
Without haste, Julia laid out bowls and spoons on a reed mat, and joined him cross-legged on the lush groundcover beneath the elm. They ate together silently, and once they had finished she carefully packed the bowls and reed mat away again.
After a not-uncomfortable pause, the old man began. "To what do I owe this fine meal on this fair day?"
"To a fair-haired maiden and good walking boots," she smiled.
He returned the smile. "I'll be sure to direct any repayment to the former."
Julie had no doubt in the value of the old man's wisdom, and so did not hesitate:
"What effect do my thoughts have on others?"
The old man almost frowned. Almost. After a brief moment he responded, carefully:
"I like goat cheese."
It wasn't a request for more cheese; it was an answer. Nonetheless, Julia was frustrated. As she turned to leave, knowing his wisdom was often cryptic and unlikely to be explained, the old man's voice stopped her.
"I wish someone had asked me earlier." He almost looked sad. "I'd like to ask a favour of you, which perhaps will help you understand."
Julia frowned, but nodded. The old man continued, "when you go home, tell this to your family and friends: When I was younger, it was prophesied that I would die on the morning of my 500th birthday, which is tomorrow. I wish a burial, and nothing more."
Her frown stayed with her, but when Julia returned to her family and friends in the village at the base of the hill, she did as the old man had asked.
The villagers, quick to believe the words of a wise old man, made arrangements for a proper burial. When they arrived the next day, they did indeed find that the old man had died peacefully in his hammock.
Julia finally understood.
-Faiora
494 Words
August 28, 2007
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5 comments:
I like how you're trying to get the reader to use their brain a bit by weaving in a moral, but I feel that this story has a major plot breakdown.
It's established in the very first paragraph that the old man doesn't know exactly how old he is and he's not planning on celebrating his birthday next July, nor the one after.
Julia (and once, Julie) seems to have come the very same day to see him. If there was a significant passage of time between the first paragraph and when she visited him, it wasn't evident. The only way I can see that working is that it was June 30th and the next day, when he was fated to die, was July 1st, his birthday and part of the first paragraph we can write off to dementia thanks to his advanced age. :o)
The first dialogue you have between the old man and Julia was a bit confusing to me. At first I thought that Julia was being a bit full of herself by calling herself a fair-haired maiden, then I thought it was the old man answering his own question. Now I'm thinking it really was Julia speaking and that she was talking about the color of her hair and not how pretty it was. That, in itself, kind of smacks of vanity to me. Not a problem with the story, but a character flaw within Julia, and if I was the old man I'd give her a cryptic answer too. :oP
I'm assuming that you brought Death forward from my previous story to be used as the element in yours. I might have to take issue with that (like I did the previous story). :o)
The rules, as you posted them, state: Each writer takes a distinct element from the preceding story, and uses it just as distinctly in their own.
To me, that means that the element will remain basically unchanged when going from story to story, maybe slap some paint on it, or put up some wallpaper. Death, in my story, was an entity, not a concept or an action. By completely changing it, it is no longer a distinct element, but something completely new.
I know, it's nit-picky... :oP
Wow, reading over this, I really tore your story apart. I'm sorry. Don't hate me. :o(
I do like goat cheese though... nice and creamy.
Something else of note, my comment comes in at 457 words. Maybe I should apply all that to writing a new story. :oP
The comment I deleted was the same as the one that's still there. I reposted to fix a massive spelling error. The funny thing is that by doing that, I inadvertently caused another mistake to creep back in. It was supposed to read 424 words, not 457 (which was just a placeholder for when I did a word count). :oP
Hmm.
For a second, that's all I have to say.
Hmm.
I hoped that -because- of the moral/meaning/whatever of my story... which I hoped came across as related to Julia's question...
I hoped it would be evident that the old man was lying about his birthday. That he'd made it all up, because what IS doesn't matter... what people think is what matters.
Julia did come the same day, no mistake there. I probably put Julie in by mistake once because the girl I was filling in for on my last shift (people kept calling for her) was named Julie.....yeah that was my fault. Oops.
But yeah... the old man telling her about some prophecy and his birthday was supposed to be... incorporated into the theme. I considered explaining that he was lying but decided it would eat up the word-count and wasn't necessary. Apparently it WAS necessary. HM.
The fair-haired bit? Ohh... did I leave out the whole "traditional dialogue" bit...? I bet I did, on proofreading. Well, fair-haired is in reference to the colour of her hair. Another thing I guess wasn't obvious.
*frowns*
I guess what I need to work on is... making sure I don't lose too much explanation. Not assuming. Hm.
I DID use an element "just as distinctly" in my own story. I introduced it just as early, and it lasted throughout, as it did in yours. Tch. Longevity. Unique longevity. A very old man. I didn't mention whether mine LOOKED old, because it didn't matter (although I did have a debate with myself about it before writing the story). Tsk, tsk, though...
Besides, you used a pile of rocks in yours that I tagged into mine as an afterthought, or required flair. Shut your face :P
I hate goat cheese.
How could you hate goat cheese? It's so creamy and tasty. :o9
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